I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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