Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
