i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
operation harelip BJ is a go
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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