I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
