There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My vagina is officially offended.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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