I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
