Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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