I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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