Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
