Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
