then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
