At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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