I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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