jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
we're making bets on your personal life
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
