She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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