haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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