i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
