I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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