Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
