I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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