Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize