I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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