Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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