I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
