god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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