Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
