My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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