yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
