Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
