im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
