You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
