All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
