you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
