he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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