the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
