Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
