Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize