it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize