R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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