who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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