Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I touched a dick in church today
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
