I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize