Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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