True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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