All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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