my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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