fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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