I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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