Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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