I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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