I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
