turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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