oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
