So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
