I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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