I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
